The 14 Day “Duh, You’ll Feel Better” Diet

So, you think eating well is difficult. Okay. That’s fair. Advertisers hacking social media have turned the wellness industry into a never-ending circle jerk meant to make you feel inferior.

It isn’t real.

Got that? Okay, one more time, and with gusto!

It. Isn’t. Real.

I would post examples but I don’t want to call anyone out specifically. Being mean isn’t my jam. I simply want those of you feeling discouraged rather than inspired by social media to remember that social media marketing is an actual industryPeople are paid to spend time and money to manipulate you. In turn, you spend money and time obtaining “things” that you think will improve your quality of life. Worst of all, when it doesn’t work, you feel worse than you did before (and if you’re anything like me you probably want a cheeseburger, too). It’s bullshit.

Do you want to have more money to do the things you enjoy? Do you want more energy? Do you want to be able to buy what you need to prepare great meals at the market rather than some crazy online specialty store (annoying)? Do you want to eat food that is healthy and doesn’t taste like bark?

Great. Bare with me (because you’ll look and feel so great you’ll want to get nekkie 😉 )

You’re going to think to yourself;

“This is boring.”

“Ugh, no queso!”

“No margaritas!”

“No pizza!”

“No candy!”

“No vending machine food!?”

“No eating out!?”

I know, I know. That’s how I felt. I did this for 6 months. And guess what? 5 years later, I can make my own informed choices and enjoy the aforementioned indulgences (in moderation) without hating myself for it 🙂

The Guidelines:

  • You can have alcohol in moderation. No more drinks in a week than there are days and no more than you can consume safely in an evening. Stick to spirits with soda or water, on the rocks, or some wine. Drink water for each of the alcoholic beverages you consume and eat well (protein, complex carb, green) before you go out. This will help you avoid getting kimchi fries from a food truck. Here is a bodybuilder using a venn diagram to explain why this works.
  • Cut out soda and sweetened beverages (soda, diet drinks, sweet tea, sweetened cocktails, you get it. If you don’t, email me and I’ll clarify). Drink more water. Go get you a 16-24 oz water bottle (I love this one but any BPA free one will do) and commit to filling it three times in 8 hours. Set a reminder on your phone. Get a clear one and draw little lines on it that correlate to times of day to remind you how much you’ve drunk. Use a tally system. I don’t care, just do it.
  • If it’s been awhile since your last workout, or, it’s your first time; Commit to a brisk 30 minute walk 3 times a week (i.e. you’re walking with purpose. Carrying a conversation may be difficult but not impossible). Alternate your pace. Speed up for 60 seconds every 5 minutes. Interval training is an effective way to build up endurance. Already pretty active but need some inspo? Done. Here is a full body work out that I looooveee (you will be sore) Start with 5 reps of each and work up to 20 (or 30!). Can’t afford a fancy yoga membership? Me either. The Yoga Studio app is an excellent resource and offers 15, 30, and 60 minute workouts for serious yogis and beginners alike. Looking to build muscle and burn fat (or maybe you just aren’t into pilates or yoga…)? My boyfriend has had great success with the Strong Lifts 5×5 App and video tutorials. Here, you will learn how to lift weights from a French beefcake who in 13 years has never pulled a muscle while training ( just trust that he knows what he’s talking about 🙌).
  • Mix it up. Go for a hike, enjoy a swim, or, bump some M.I.A. and dance around your kitchen (like I do).

But Julia, What do I eat?

Right.

Breakfast: Two eggs (however you like, I cook them this way) and whole grain toast with grass-fed butter. Don’t do gluten? Replace the toast with bacon (cook the bacon first then fry your eggies in the fat ❤ ). Don’t do meat or eggs? Try half a baked sweet potato stuffed with sliced avocado and feta cheese. Don’t do dairy? Replace the feta with salsa.

Lunch: 2 hard-boiled eggs, a package of no-sugar added instant oatmeal, a scoop of berries, 2 tablespoons of raw nuts, and a green salad with oil and vinegar. Need more protein? Sub out the oatmeal and berries and add shredded poached chicken and chopped veggies to your salad.

Skip the sweetener in your coffee and limit yourself to 1 cup.

Stop snacking on candy. Just stop it. If sugar is your Achilles heel, nip it in the bud. This explanation and meal plan from the Daily Burn is pretty straight forward (which I dig).

Speaking of snacks, they aren’t for everyone. Don’t pack hummus and carrot sticks in a cute stainless steel container (that cost you $20 bucks) if you aren’t actually going to use it to fuel your body. When you’re hungry eat. But make sure you’re really hungry. First, try drinking plenty of water and give yourself 15 minutes. Still hungry? Great! It means you’re burning energy. Have an apple with nut butter. Pop some popcorn (no artificial butter or oils please and thank you. I prefer the stove top method myself but when that isn’t an option there’s this). Mix a tablespoon of coconut oil with some unsweetened cocoa powder and mix it into greek yogurt. Don’t do dairy? Drizzle that magic on some fruit. Broil sliced apples for 10 minutes, stirring halfway. Toss them with grass-fed butter and cinnamon. Then, mix them into 1/4 cup no-sugar added granola.

Boom. Snacks.

Dinner: Pick a protein. Pick a veggie—> Preheat your oven to 425. Toss broccoli, carrots, asparagus, or cauliflower with avocado oil and salt. Spread on a baking sheet lined with parchment paper (or not. This does, however, keep veggies from sticking) and roast for 30 minutes. Shake the pan to re-distribute at the halfway point. Remove from the oven and, in a large bowl, toss with 1 tablespoon grass-fed butter, 2 tablespoons of shredded parmesan cheese, 1 clove of minced garlic, and lots of black pepper. Another option? Nuke (that’s slang for “microwave”) the other half of the sweet potato you stuffed for breakfast with grass-fed butter or ghee, salt and pepper. Have a salad with oil and vinegar.

Take care of your future self.

Do this for 14 days. No really, do it. If you don’t feel better, if you haven’t noticed a difference in your energy levels and mood, contact me at julia.guerillawelfare@gmail.com and we’ll work through what went wrong together.

Remember to have fun. Remember to experiment. Remember to cross reference everything I’ve said.

 

 

Happy wellbeing ❤

 

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