Happy New Year.
It’s been 7 months since I’ve posted here.
I visit the blog often. I re-read my posts. I tear them apart piece by piece and swear I’m never writing again. Then I read a line or two I agree with and think “That there is pretty good..” Self critique is a never ending Jekyll and Hyde.
I’m in the kitchen 7 days a week. I reimagine recipes, test various techniques, and write about it because it brings me joy. I feed my family and interview them based on their experience because I’m curious. I experiment with pushing the boundaries of my kitchen for no other reason than I’m curious to know what will happen. I maintain a journal and I take out my camera as often as I can. I love to cook. I love to make things pretty. I love to create. Experimentation and design make me feel alive– so tell me;
WHY IS THIS SO HARD?
For me, the new year starts in August– around the time I was born. I’ve never really been a fan of New Year’s or the manufactured resolutions one is expected to make. In fact, the only one I ever heard and agreed with was made by a dear friend of mine many years ago. She resolved to wear more dresses, which I thought was brilliant. Other than that, the idea of setting an arbitrary goal because everyone says I’m supposed to has never much appealed to me.
“Great! Let me feign interest in this thing this time of year because everyone else is doing it.”
Thanks, but no thanks. Holding myself accountable everyday based on measureable results works better for me. Around my birthday has always been the best time for me to analyze what’s changed, what’s stayed the same, and what could be different.
Last year I set 5 goals (1. Practice 300 days of yoga 2. Get my GED 3. Take an online class 4. Start a food blog 5. Get my passport). So far I’ve made a great deal of progress on (and in some cases already achieved) each of these five goals. The truth is I have a lot to learn. I’m still becoming the person I want to be. It takes honesty. It takes patience. My truth used to scare the shit out of me– but those days are long gone. I’ve grown to embrace who I am and where I want to go. I know it’s okay to move at my own pace. I am grateful to have learned this lesson early on in life. On top of it all I have an amazing support system. My friends and family are terribly encouraging– my boyfriend empowering.
So– Why the fuck am I more discouraged by this blog than I am motivated by it? I made it. It’s alive on the internet. Why can’t I keep up with it. Why do I dread looking at it. Oh wait.. I know this one…
Fear is why I avoided the gym in my 20’s. Fear is why I didn’t sing more in high school. Fear is why I never learned to play the guitar, or speak up in meetings. Fear is why I left the world of cosmetology. Fear is why I quit.
Well, I’m through quitting. I’ve whittled down the wood that my world is built upon and I know what matters. I know the difference between when it’s time to quit and when I’m afraid.
This is all new to me. I have no idea what I’m doing. There is a lot to learn. I don’t know when to work on it. I don’t know how it fits into my life or how to ask my boyfriend to sit still so I can take a picture. I don’t know how to stage a shot or what kind of lens I need to invest in for my camera. I don’t know how to use editing software or anything about backend web design. But I can learn if I don’t quit.
I have to keep learning. I have to keep challenging myself. I can’t let
take hold of me.
Art is hard. Breaking the mold seems impossible. Doing something for yourself feels wrong. Where you see value others may see folly– and that is scary.
If you have set a resolution, don’t give in and don’t give up. Don’t let what I’ve said about resolutions being arbitrary scare you. Do you. If you’ve never set a goal, start now. It’s never too late to start doing something different. You can choose who you want to be and when you want to be it. You don’t have to quit.
It isn’t going to be easy and you’re going to face great challenges along the way, but you have to do it. It’s the only way to find true happiness in this broken world– you have to create it.
It’s 2017 and I have a food blog. It doesn’t get a lot of traffic. It hasn’t won any awards. It is simple and it’s free. It may never go anywhere. It may never do anything. But I’m going to learn a lot working on it. I’m going to use it as a vessel to take me someplace new. I’m not going to rely on anyone or anything to get me there. I’m going to do the work and see where it takes me.
I guess there is one thing I’m going to quit today. I’m going to quit letting fear dictate what I want to do and who I want to be. I’m going to let it reside in my conscious mind and I’m going to move past it. I hope if something or someone is holding you back today, you are able to choose to bring it into your conscious and let it go. Quit because you choose to, not because you’re afraid.
I look forward to sharing more in 2017 than I did before.
Happy wellbeing ❤